Easy Way or Hard Way?

Posted by Jordyne

I have a four year old niece named Ari. She has long, bright blonde hair and absolutely hates having it brushed. It’s a battle every single time. My sister has a “system” for this, which is to ask Ari if she wants to do it the easy way or the hard way. Easy way is Ari sits calmly while Jaclyn slowly brushes her hair. Hard way is Jaclyn wrangles her with one arm, and brushes out the tangles with the other. Ari usually protests at first, but as soon as Jaclyn says “Easy way or hard way?! You choose!” she eventually decides to do it the easy way. I’m not so wise. In my life, I almost always choose the hard way.

It is difficult for me to learn life lessons second-hand. I rarely learn from other people’s mistakes, or other people’s advice. I wish I did. I’m sure it would have saved me some pain. For some reason, it’s not enough for you to tell me that the fire is hot, I have to blister my finger to get the idea. I often joke that my spiritual gift is making things more difficult than they need to be.

By God’s grace, there is one lesson that I fully grasped without having to experience it first hand. The lesson is this: Marriage won’t fill the hole in your heart. Marriage will not cure your loneliness or insecurities. In some (maybe all? I wouldn’t know) cases, it magnifies them. Maybe this post will help you learn this lesson the easy way too.

A long time ago, I heard Matt Chandler tell women that the loneliness that comes from being in an unhappy marriage is far more painful than the loneliness you can feel as a single person. And even though I’ve never been married, in that moment, I knew without a doubt it was true. Years later, I still think about those words. Any time I’m tempted to believe that marriage would be better than singleness right now, I remember that there is a more trying alternative.

Proper perspective is powerful. It made me grateful that I am not in a situation where I would have to experience that kind of loneliness. It made me feel so loved and cherished and safely guarded that God has not allowed me to have that story. Does that make sense? I don’t know. It makes sense to my heart. Me and God’s relationship is like that a lot. His love is communicated to me the loudest in the midst of pain (or in this case, potential pain).

I do want to say, though,  if you are in an unhappy marriage, that does not mean that God does not love, cherish and guard you. He just does it in a different way. He’s given you a different grace than he’s given me, and he will speak his love to you in the way you will hear it best.

God's people in the Bible also seemed to choose the hard way most often. Rachel pointed out this verse to me once that just sums it up so well:

This is what the Sovereign lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it. 

-Isaiah 30:15 NLT

God very literally offered them the easy way, and they said "Nah. We're Good." So I guess I'm not the only one, but yikes! My prayer is that this one lesson I learned the easy way is the first of many. 

Do you learn the easy way or the hard way? What’s a lesson that’s stuck with you?

I don't have a plan, do you?

Posted by Rachel

I love story.  Story can consumes me.  As an adult, I have had to discontinue reading the books I love because I can't put the story down until I know how it ends.  I love televisions shows because they have ongoing story.  I love movies because they can speak truth about a particular story in a particular moment in time. 

One of our favorite TV shows for a while was Friends, the story of six friends from their mid-20's to their mid-30's and how they cope with life together during those years.  How they live, love, fight and grow together during those years.  Its a comedy but in the middle of the humor is serious truth about life.  

Four to five episodes into the series, there is an episode where Rachel who hadn't worked a day in her life before this show started gets her very first pay check as a waitress and realizes how hard it is to live on it.  She goes into this deep slump of frustration and brings her two girlfriends into it with her.  In this scene Rachel looks at Phoebe, who has been working since her early teens, and asks her "Phoebe, do you have a plan for your life?" and Phoebe in a humorous and tearful moment responds with, "I don't even have a Pl"(Pronounced pla).

We have taken this on and said this to each other over the years. In moments of frustration about our lives after the rant, we look at each other and say "I don't even have a PL," and then smile at each other knowing we can continue, even without the plan. 

I feel like the last five years I have said this a lot. As we face Christmas and the New Year it is yet again the time to think over the last year and contemplate the new.  How have I changed, how is my life different, what do I want to be different next year.  Each year I feel like nothing has changed, I'm still in the same spot, I'm still single, I still work at a job, unsettled in a career, I still dream like I am 13 and sometimes act like it too, still answering the same old questions the relatives ask year after year.  

But then I take another good look and realize a lot has changed.  I have changed more than I can imagine.  And even though I still don't really have a "PL" for my life, God knows the plans he has for me. 

So this year I choose to speak truth over my life and courageously act upon it.  I choose to love deeper.  I choose to give more of myself.  I choose to continue to smile and say hello to strangers in the grocery store.  I choose to read more.  I choose to seek more counsel.  I choose to love making phone calls.  I choose to grow.  I choose to submit myself, to God, to wise leaders and to others that care.  I choose to live my story and not just dream about it.  I choose to fail sometimes, but always try again.  I choose to humble myself to allow God to work HIS great PLAN in my life, because even though I don't have a PL for my life, God does.  He has a Plan and He has the Story set out for me. 

Merry Christmas everyone, Christ is Born, that I may have life and LIVE it abundantly.  

Confession #12: I constantly struggle with the concept and action of waiting.

Posted by Sarah

I feel that Christmas Eve is the most appropriate time to share this confession. These are the days that I have been anticipating since last Christmas! Yes, I haven’t grown out of my love for Christmas. I hardly sleep because of the excitement…this morning I woke up 4:35 (no, I didn't get out of bed then, just wide awake!). That excitement comes from a year of waiting for this season!

I've never been a good wait-er. I vividly remember a Christmas Eve when I was 6 or 7 where I got so excited my Dad had to sit me down and remind me that Christmas wasn't about me, but about Jesus. I knew the truth, but got caught up in the excitement of having what I was waiting for come to fruition.

It’s hard to wait. Most people view waiting as a passive thing, but I have come to see it as an action; and not an easy action at that! It takes courage, hope, joy, strength, commitment and community to wait well. This is true across the board; whether you are waiting for Christmas, school to start again, a future spouse, children, a job, retirement, vacation, healing, or (you name it…).

Psalm 62:5-8 says, “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in Him at all time. Pour out your heart to Him for God is our refuge.”

These are words of comfort and challenge. There are quite a few things that I am waiting for in my life, many are on the list I wrote above and I will confess, it’s not easy to wait well. I too often make waiting about me, about what I want, about what I don’t have. I completely forget to trust in Him at all times, to rest in that fact that He is my rock and my salvation, to remember that He is my refuge and no enemy can reach me.

So this Christmas Eve, a day when waiting is ever present on my mind…I pause to remember who I wait on. I wait on God, my creator, my redeemer, my savior and friend. I trust in Him with my whole heart, even when that is very difficult to do. I remember what Jesus did for me when He came as a baby who later died for my sins and the sins of all. The one who has called me to this place and to love those He has put in my life. That is what active waiting looks like - trusting God and living/loving well.

I pray that as you celebrate, you would join with me in quietly, actively waiting before God.

Merry Christmas.

Liberation of Less

Posted by Laura

When I was preparing to leave America for Germany, I knew that I would not be able to take everything with me. I had a bed, a futon, a dining table and chairs, a papasan, and three bookshelves filled with over two hundred and fifty books - not to mention my closet overfilled with Toms shoes and cardigans. The furniture and clothes weren't terribly hard to get rid of, though I felt a little more like I was parting with pieces of my soul as I sold books back to Powell's, the greatest bookstore on the planet. One day as I unloaded two bags full of books at the book buyer's desk, I was explaining to the woman examining them that I was culling all my possessions to fit into three suitcases as I moved overseas. My goal was to leave next to nothing at my parents (though I did end up spreading out a few boxes of books among my friends for safekeeping because I couldn't bear to part with too many).

"Isn't it liberating?" She asked.

"Yeah," I responded with a rush of enthusiasm for someone who finally got it.

"Yeah, a few years back, I tried to do something similar. I don't own anything more than I can fit in my car so I can pick up and move anywhere anytime. It just feels great to have so much less."

I totally understood what she was saying when I stood there still holding on to loads of my books and possessions though I would have serious struggles in the coming weeks as my diminishing possessions gave me an increasing sense of rootlessness. I was untethered by things which, yes, was liberating, but also a little frightening.

Actually getting down to three suitcases was tough. It was even tougher emotionally when Sarah saw the three suitcases and bluntly told me, "Oh, honey, we're getting this down to two," the night before I moved to Germany. Five hours and a trip to Target later, I was repacked with everything I would own in Europe in two checked bags, a duffel, and a backpack. Emotions would get even higher at the airport when the duffel had to be left behind with a few items shoved into the other suitcases and backpack.

Not surprisingly, it didn't take me long to accumulate loads of useless items - as well as some very necessary items like my $60 mattress that feels like a dream. It's just stuff though. Except for a few books and gifts, I could bear to part with everything and survive just fine. The conversation with the book buyer at Powell's years ago gave me a twinge of rootlessness, but now, I realize the roots aren't in things anyways. The roots I have in Portland will forever be rooted though not always in Portland; they are people. People are my roots across the globe no matter where I live, so my things don't really matter and needn't keep me any place in particular. I really want to hold on to that freedom that I can pack up everything I own in two suitcases and move anywhere. A coworker in the states told me before I left that she was so happy for my upcoming adventure and slightly jealous that she couldn't ever do that because she was married.

As Mimi sings in Rent, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." I don't think this lifestyle locks me into singleness, and I don't think that being married chains me to a location. Loads of couples and families have moved here to Germany or other locations for reasons similar to mine. At the moment, though, I'm just embracing the liberation of less.

Why You're Still Single

Posted by Jordyne

The four of us were having a conversation the other day, just being honest with each other about the doubts that linger in our minds. Laura told me I should share my conclusion with you all.

Maybe the biggest question that single people wrestle with is:

Why am I single?

Every single person knows how to answer this question, even if they never voice it:
“I’m too shy”

“I’m ugly”

“I’m too needy”

“I’m fat”

“I have zero sense of humor.”

“I’m not girly enough”

“I’m a control freak”

The problem is, all of those answers are wrong. This is the realization I came to during our conversation. 

Side note: I’ve told people multiple times the reason that I’m single is because that’s what God has chosen to give me. I know in my head that’s true, but sometimes my heart forgets.

As we were talking I kept thinking, what are the odds that all four of us are still single? Well, I did some serious research (read: Google search) and found that the percentages are anywhere between 22-51%. So, by those incredibly precise studies, at least one or two of us “should” be married by now, right? 

Wrong. It’s not odds or statistics at all. It’s God.

Even if you are happy in your singleness, I think everyone has that nagging doubt at one point or another. I know that's true for me at least. 

Then I had this moment of clarity.  The fact that all four of us are unmarried proves to me that the only reason we are single is because that is what God has for us, and it is good. He only gives us good gifts.

I question what kind of marriage material I am, but I know exactly what a catch Sarah, Rachel, and Laura are. If my flaws were the reason I’m single, then I would be the only one among us unmarried, and the other three would have been hitched by now. But they’re not. As Laura said in our chat, “we are reassured of our normalcy by our mutual singleness”. I love how she put that. We are each single by God’s beautiful design. Maybe that’s his design for our whole lives, or maybe some or all of us will get married in the future. God only knows. But what I do know with certainty is that your flaws are not the reason you are single. You are single because that is your portion and grace from God right now.

Confessions

Posted by Sarah

I shall, from time to time, write confession posts; small truths about myself that may or may not be common knowledge. I will number them in no particular order to their significance but as a fun way to break the monotony that can occur when a list starts with the number one.

For example: Confession #13 I freaking LOVE Christmas!

Not just for the stockings and Santa and carols and presents and lights and joy but because, whether it is acknowledged or not, this is the season to celebrate Jesus, my savior, my best friend! I have great pity for those who don’t love Christmas and those who miss the point completely.

Another example: Confession #7 I HATE Chocolate!

Not just an “I prefer to eat things more than chocolate” but an all out “I feel nauseated when I smell chocolate and think people that do like chocolate are the ones who have a problem” hate. And I don’t use hate often or lightly.

Hopefully that will whet your appetite for the confession posts that will be coming your way in the future. In fact, I think I have one up my sleeve that I will post before Christmas – think of this as a teaser trailer! (Confession #22 Movies are a favorite hobby of mine.)

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Posted by Laura

When I was in a particularly rough patch of my life, Rachel, Sarah, and Jordy used to "kidnap" me regularly to go to the movie theater. We would watch whatever was playing as an escape from my problems and a bonding experience together. We'd go late at night, and there were rarely other people in the theater. We'd laugh loudly and have all kinds of fun - except for the time Jordy and I thought it would be a good idea to hide from Sarah and Rach while they were in the bathroom. Just imagine two of the biggest germaphobes on the planet laying down on a dirty theater floor for five minutes. The moment we touched the floor we realized it was a bad idea, but it was too late. We waited until our friends came back and laughed at our stupidity then we had to wait another two hours till the movie ended and we could shower - multiple times. As dirty as we felt through that particular film, we sat it out. We wanted to watch the movie.

We love the stories.

Everyone does; it's part of the human experience. C. S. Lewis said, "we demand windows" because we are so desperate to see the world through someone else's eyes and feel it with someone else's heart. Our imaginations are limited, and we long for great stories to take us away and return us to our lives with riches of understanding and empathy to live better in our bleak existences. Bear with me on my super nerdy lit major tangent for another sentence. Northrop Frye theorized that there are only four basic stories that are ever told. Everything is some combination or varied telling of one of these four archetypes.

When I watch movies or read books now, I can see loads of connections and allusions as they take different spins on staple plots. I can see the comedy or tragedy they borrowed from to make something new and interesting. Some creators are more successful than others. I had a great conversation with a student one day at lunch about this.

I'd told this kid before how much I love my job because I'm passionate about what I teach. She'd told me before it shows - which is the highest compliment I can receive from my students. I was helping her complete her study guide for an upcoming test, and one of the points on the study guide is "be able to experience the grandeur of God's grace" (I didn't write this, but I love this curriculum). Her initial response was something along the lines that God's grace is good because we can't follow the rules, so God helps us so we can follow the rules better.

"Wow, you make Christianity sound so boring," I responded.

She was a little put off, but I pushed her to notice the whole grandeur of God's grace is the relationship element. The story of Christianity is all about how God was so intent on finding a way to restore relationship with people that Love came down - the Word became flesh - self sacrificing Love conquered over death and made a way to restore relationship. This is absolutely the greatest story ever told. I couldn't help but spill to this student that lots of other stories try to imitate this greatest story. "Have you read Harry Potter?" "I've seen the movies," she replied. That's probably the most well known one these days - love conquers over death. Harry wouldn't have survived without self sacrificing love - twice. The other one that comes to my mind most readily is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm a big fan of Joss Whedon; I think he's a brilliant creator, but this storyline comes nowhere near the awesomeness of Christianity. At the end of season five, Buffy sacrifices herself to save the world (really she's mostly concerned with saving her sister). It's a nice gesture - and successful. However, Buffy is stuck in the grave at the start of season six. Her friends pull her out of an unknown dimension and put her back in her body so she can keep saving the world a couple more seasons. Not nearly as exciting as Jesus conquering death and the grave on his own just to unite humanity to the ultimate Creator.

I love that story. And I love that I get to teach it every day. I have the best job ever.

What You're In Danger of As a Single

Posted by Jordyne 

It would seem that the magical formula to getting a ton of hits on your blog is a list of some sort. I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of list I would like to share with you all. There are so many options.  “10 Reasons Being Single is Awesome” just seemed a little too obvious. Maybe we’ll save that one for later. 

“22 Things Only Single People Will Understand”...Who do you think we are? Buzzfeed? Pass. 

“7 Things Single Women Want You to Stop Telling Them”. Just type into Google “things singles” and you’ll find that one of the top suggestions for how to finish that phrase is “...are tired of hearing.” That’s been thoroughly covered. Besides, many (not all) married people are uncomfortable enough around singles as it is. Having a list of what not to say running through their minds will only create more awkward silences. I’d rather have the authentic conversation than the tailored one...even if it is a bit off-putting at times.

What You’re Really in Danger of as a Single:

(No, “dying alone” is not on the list.)

1. Hiding. It’s a lot easier to do as a single person. Especially if you don’t have a roommate. When you don’t share your home with anyone, it’s easy to hide your struggles and character flaws, and as a result, it’s easy to miss out on iron-sharpening-iron opportunities if you’re not intentional about them. Seek out people in your life who will keep you from hiding. I think probably the easiest way to accomplish that is to have roommates, but it’s not for everyone. I don’t have roommates, and neither does Laura. But Rachel and Sarah both have roommates. I live alone, but I have made sure that I have lots of people who will call me out and be honest with me. 
2. Selfishness. Sure, everyone has selfish tendencies at times. But you’re less likely to be selfish if you have other people in your life that you’re responsible for besides yourself. You won’t go to the movies if you know it means your kids won’t have money for their field trip. Or you won’t use all the gas in the car if you know you’re husband has to drive across town for a meeting. I’m the one who gets to say how my time and money are spent, and if I’m not careful, it’s easy for me to spend both all on myself. Look for opportunities to give of your resources, especially to your church family. It’s always worth it. 
3. Impatience. This one gets me a lot. I’m a pretty spontaneous person, and being single makes that a whole lot easier. Everything happens faster when you are the only one making the decisions. On more than one occasion I have found myself frustrated with a friend telling me, “let me get back to you on that; I need to talk to my husband.” There is no one that I have to check with before I make a decision (except for if it’s a decision that I want to make after watching a movie...in that case I have to clear it with Sarah, Laura, and Rachel...but we’ll have to get into that later.) and sometimes it’s hard for me to appreciate the consideration. When you find yourself frustrated that it takes your friend a few hours to get back to you on whether or not they can take a day trip with you, remember that your buddy will have much more fun if they have the peace of mind from being on the same page as their spouse. Your trip will be more enjoyable as a result.

The greatest love affair

Posted by Rachel

As I have mentioned in other posts, a book on singleness has been something God has set on Laura and I's hearts for many years.  As a result of that dream we both have many articles on the subject lying around the desk top of our computers we have been writing for years.  We have even shared many of our writings with each other to critique and kick-start the process of writing.  They cover topics from weddings, to church, to sex, to ivory tours, etc.  I was reading through a compilation of many of my articles today that I had given to Laura at some point over the last 2 years and though many things stood out to me (from the fact that the blogging world isn't ready for most of my thoughts, to my writing overall needs a lot of editing) one of my articles really stood out to me because it was about my relationship with Jesus.

I know it was me writing but the way I talked about my relationship with Jesus in this snippet made me smile and get excited all over again about how in love with my Savior I am.  I became a believer when I was 5, so I have never really known life without Jesus.  Because of this sometimes(and by sometimes, unfortunately I probably mean 90% of the time) I take that relationship for granted.  This makes me sad because my relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship in my life.  I guess it goes back to the idea that those that know you and love you the most you often hurt the easiest and take for granted that they will always love and care for you.

Honestly, this makes my heart break.  My Savior is everything to me so when I realize how flippant I am with the incredible relationship I have with him, I want to mourn the loss of time with him.  I often think about Mary and Martha in the Bible.  Martha went to Jesus to complain that Mary wasn't helping with any of the work to make the meal, but Jesus' response was that Mary had chosen what was better, she had chosen to sit at the feet of Jesus, gaze upon him and listen with everything in her because she understood in that moment that Jesus was the most important relationship in her life.  She was going to invest no matter what.

I love Mary, only because I am Martha.  I love to serve, to do things for my Savior because I love to serve, but I long to sit at my saviors feet and gaze and listen.  I want to be David writing Psalms, called a man after God's own heart because David understood the power of time with his King.  That is my ultimate goal in life, to sit at my Saviors feet and gaze into his face as he speaks.  No matter where God takes me single, married, kids, no kids, in life and death to sit and gaze and listen intently to my Savior, my King.

This my friends, is the greatest Love affair of all time.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."

Singleness Blogs

Post by Rachel

I know we haven't broached the subject of dating too much  yet and I think its because its vastly overdone by anyone who writes anything on being single. As I was thinking about this subject, I was curious about what people were writing about who had blogs similar to ours, with the focus being on singleness and what I found was actually kind of boring.

First of all, blogs on singleness are vastly underdone.  I think I found a grand total about about 10 blogs(including ours) that were actually written on the subject of singleness.  Secondly, all the posts I read were primarily in diary form.  "Today I went to the store, talked to this boy and then came home to my lonely house were I cooked dinner and watched television while sitting all by my lonesome on the couch with no one to snuggle with.  Oh and in case you don't know I'm still single, what is wrong with all the people of the world and what is wrong with me?!?"

BOOORRRRIINNGGG!!!

No offense intended, but unless your days are actually different then mine, like your trying different restaurants and reviewing them or your microwave caught on fire(wait, that's been done), I really don't care.

Third, they complained about the fact that they were single, nothing had changed over a long period and their life was basically on hold until they found Mr. or Mrs. Right.  The blog was an outlet to complain about the fact that they were single and to bring anyone who reads it down with them, if they were miserable everyone else should be too.  None of that was said explicitly, but every blog I found had these basic ingredients.

Now here's the deal, I really want to get married, however, my life is not on pause until I find the man I'm going to marry, nor will I allow my life to be boring or negative until the supposed starting gun of life goes off when I say "I do".  As you know by now if you have been reading this blog at all, that we all love being single and we obviously feel its a subject that should be discussed so we started writing, but this is the first post where dating has been more of a central topic.

In response to those other blogs this is what I have to say.  I get it!! I want to date, I want to have someone I can snuggle with, go on trips with, go to parties with and not feel like the odd ball out and do all those other couply things with.  I totally get it!  I get that sometimes you have to tell the mundane story of your day to someone because you just need to get it out.  And I totally understand that sometimes you wonder what is wrong with every man(or woman) in the world that you are still single or you become self deprecating and wonder what is wrong with me.  I totally 100% absolutely understand!  I have said and felt all those things.

However, there is so much more to say than those boring mundane things.  Like what was the fun part of the holiday party as a single.  Or you had the opportunity to do something great because you didn't have to coordinate husband and/or kids schedules to do it.  You could get into your car and drive 1000 miles on whim cause who cares if you do.  Or even better is how has God blessed this part of your life that if you were to get married tomorrow would no longer be true.  How are you becoming the person that God wants you to be?  How have you served others well without being married?  And an infinite number of other questions.  Honestly, that's what I want to read about.

We hope and pray that this blog would be a ministry of God, not for our will to be served, but so that the glory of our God the king would be known through what we do and say here.  A place to be real and open and vulnerable about the pain of this stage of life and hopefully more often a place to express the joys of this stage of life.  There are so many joys!    No matter what stage of life you are in, go reflect on the joys and blessings, on whether God's glory is known in your life.  Its easier to think of the hardships and negative things, but that's no way to live.  Enjoy each moment and praise God for whatever stage you are in!

And don't drag other people down with you, nobody wants that!!

Expat Thanksgiving

Posted by Laura

North America is big on Thanksgiving - Canadians in October, Americans in November. Europe is not so much on the celebrating surviving harvest away from Europe... not sure what the deal is. Anyways, the expat community here is pretty big on Thanksgiving because it's kinda a hard reminder that we're all away from our families on one of the most family centered holidays in our passport countries. We almost over compensate - Thanksgiving is like a several week celebration as different groups gather and dorms provide feasts at some point between Canadian and American Thanksgivings. The Canadians put on a show for their special day, and the Americans host large meals somewhere from Thursday through Sunday of the last weekend of November.

It's all the more difficult for the singles here who are away from families and have to watch the family units gather together.

A couple girls in the community started their own Thanksgiving tradition five years ago by inviting several single staff to their home for a potluck dinner with a little Scripture and songs thrown in to remind us all why we left our families to begin with. I was able to join them this year again, and it was a great reminder for me why I love being in community with other people who love Jesus and love life.

I'll admit, the whole weekend was a little rough because we don't get any days off school since it's not a recognized holiday here, and I started an antibiotic on Friday that makes me feel a little queasy all the time. I almost considered bailing on the Saturday night Thanksgiving dinner because I was so sick, but I was also lonely. I spent the majority of the day binge watching Agents of SHIELD, and I'd turned down an invite to see Mockingjay in the original English so I'd have the social energy to interact politely with others. I shot a message to Sarah, Rachel, and Jordyne before I left for the dinner begging for prayer that I'd not feel too sick and, honestly, that I'd be able to work on building good relationships. Even though I've lived here a year, I still feel pretty disconnected from most of my coworkers - these other three women are my family, my crew, my besties, and I can share anything with them without filter.

Relationships of that depth take time - I won't jump into a double bed with three random strangers - only the three who have seen some of my life over a few years (and one of them might fall out in the night).

My Thanksgiving celebration turned out to be amazing, and I'm so grateful I made the effort and pushed through the nausea to go. I would have been remiss if I'd skipped out. I loved sitting around a table with other women in the same place in life as me sharing all kinds of anecdotes and laughing about random things.

Thanksgiving dinner naturally leads to days of leftovers, and tonight I was invited to a leftover dinner. It was a completely different and equally wonderful experience. One of my closest friends here in Germany is the mother of two high school students. Carol invited me over tonight, and I loved the chance to sit with her whole family and enjoy a casual meal together. After dinner, Carol's husband read a devotional for the start of Advent. It was a great family moment, one that happens most nights in their house, but I was so blessed to be a part of it. As a single person, I eat dinner alone most nights, and I'm usually thankful for that so I can eat my tomatoes and pasta without judgement from anyone else, but it's also nice to be a part of a family meal. There's something very special about sharing a meal with people you love.

The Only One in the Middle of the Street

Posted by Jordyne

It's crazy how time gets away from you. I had no idea it had been over a month since I last wrote. I feel like I've spent these last few weeks doing nothing but processing and evaluating my life and sifting through emotions. Basically, the reason it took me so long to write this post, is because it takes a long time to type out 4 weeks worth of messy, over-analyzed thought. But now I can finally share it with you. Grab a cup of tea and get comfy...

Just kidding. I would not put you through that. I actually just want to tell you a couple seemingly unrelated stories.

A few days after my last post, I got the chance to go to Denver and spend four days with Rachel. It was magical. I had no idea I needed to get away so bad (Rachel did though. She’s good at picking up on things like that.) 

I also got to meet her two roommates. One night we were all hanging out in the living room, and there was this conversation going on where we were all laughing and animated and talking over one another. All at once it just hit me how long it has been since I had been with a group of women who were all in the same place in life as I am: All single Christian women, never married, no children.

It was liberating. 

“These are my people!” I thought to myself. I had forgotten what it felt like and how much I needed it.

As mentioned before, I live in a small town. When I was making the decision to move here two and a half years ago, the thought crossed my mind that choosing to live here would almost certainly mean I would never get married. 

I mean...there’s no one here. 

My first few months here, I couldn’t get over the fact that I could drive down the street and actually be the only car on the road. 

Now I make the most of it by regularly driving down the middle of the street like I own the place. 

But anyways, back to my point: I am literally the only single, never-married woman with no children in my church. And I am sure there is at least one other woman who is in that same category in this town, but I have yet to meet her.  

I’m an endangered species around here.

The first couple days back home after being in Denver were rough. I kept thinking “I’m the only one left!” But after the second or third time I said that out loud, it reminded me of Elijah whining the same words.

Elijah had just finished hosting an epic showdown between Baal and Yahweh. 
Spoiler alert: Yahweh won. (You can read about it in 1 Kings 18) 

After Baal lost, Elijah ordered that all of the prophets of Baal be killed. This made Queen Jezebel furious, and she promised to kill him. Even after witnessing the incomparable power of Yahweh, his God, he ran for his life. 

God asked Elijah, "what are you doing?" I think that's a fair question in this moment. How could he be in such a negative, fearful state so quickly after experiencing something so awesome? I am asking myself the same question.

“I’m the only one left!” he cried, “and now they’re trying to kill me too!” (1 Kings 19:14) 

 It’s a strange comparison, I know. How many things does a single girl in a small town have in common with a prophet in ancient Israel? Not many it would seem. I’m not running for my life, and the comparison quickly breaks down if you try to look at it too closely, but I kept coming back to this story.  

What Elijah lacked was perspective, and the gentle whisper of the Lord gave him the much needed reality check. As soon as he heard from the Lord, his situation didn’t seem so dire anymore. He was able to pick himself back up and get to work.

I love that God didn’t call him a baby or tell him that he shouldn’t feel the way he did. He simply presented Elijah with the truth; showed him reality. That’s all that was necessary. 

I highly doubt that I will discover 7,000 women in this little town that God has placed in the same situation as me, but it does make me anticipate what he will reveal with his still small voice. There’s a bigger picture I can’t see yet. But I will soon enough. He’ll show me when the time is right.

Microwave Ordeal

Posted by Rachel


Today I want to tell the story about how we caught the microwave on fire last week.  "You what?"  Yes, you heard me, we actually caught the microwave on fire and my amazing roomies were as calm and collected as possible during the whole ordeal. 

Here's how it went down:

When we first moved into our apartment we had to purchase a microwave, so I did the sensible thing and went to the local thrift store and bought a really nice one for $7.00.  Anyway we have used this said microwave really well over the last 18 months.  It cooked up our food well, went through 3 roommates for Lindsay and I (on a side note and another blog post we have a running theory that people are getting married just to get away from us, but that's for a different time).  Oh microwave you performed your task so well.  

Anyway, these last couple weeks have been very cold so we have been running our fireplace a lot and Lindsay in the spirit of making Christmas gifts has also added some smoky elements to our apartment, so when I was sitting on my bed asking what was burning it was an interesting moment for several reasons:  

1. My bed is as far away from the microwave in the house it can possibly be and I was the first to smell the burning plastic and cloth.

2. There was no fire going that night and Lindsay was reading in her room.

3. My other roommate who I will affectionately call R for the sake of clarity,  was in the bathroom so what could possibly be burning in there other than a curling iron and she was getting ready for bed, so it seemed improbable.

4. The smoke alarm was blinking happily away, but did not warn us of the impending doom to our poor microwave.

What had happened was R had, like she does every morning and evening, put her rice heating pad in the microwave to warm it up, to warm up herself and relax as she crawled into bed.  And for some reason this night it decided to catch on fire.  We are still uncertain as to the how, but we know the result, by the time I had asked what's burning, and Lindsay, R and I had made it into the kitchen filled with smoke the rice warmer was literally on fire(and I don't use the word literally lightly folks).  R calmly removed it and dumped it into the sink to run water on it, while I realizing the microwave was melted and was still smoldering wiggled my hand behind it to unplug it before we had an electrical fire on our hands. Meanwhile Lindsay was opening all the windows we could in order to air out the apartment before the happily blinking smoke detector figured out what was happening and caught up.  The whole thing lasted no more than about 2 minutes from beginning to end, but the still smoldering microwave went out the open door to the 25 degree concrete porch meanwhile the airing out and clean up ensued. 

Happy end to the story is the grand total of our losses were about $10 and now we have a funny roommate bonding moment to tell the world.  On the other hand we now are microwaveless which is rather inconvenient and so the hunt for another working microwave begins.

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it

Posted by Laura

The catchy quote for the title is not mine. Credit belongs to Joss Whedon though the context is not particularly relevant to what I want to write about. (However, the English teacher in me insists upon full disclosure: the first time this line is said, it's an older sister about to sacrifice her life for her little sister. She encourages her sister to be brave and live, then she goes and dies. In my opinion, it robs the sentence of it's power just a little bit. However, the line is repeated once the sister is resurrected and little sis slams it back to big sis spiraling in bad post-resurrection decisions. There it holds a little more weight.)

Returning the focus to realistic implications of the statement, sometimes it is hard to live in this world. Getting out of bed and going through the routine of life is exhausting not to mention difficult and painful.

I had some rough moments this week as I had bills to pay, insurance claims to file, and medical issues to take care of. I felt pretty alone in it as I didn't have anyone to do it for me. As I laid alone in my bed last night, I watched a couple episodes from the Whedonverse to take my mind off the fact that no one else could solve my problems. I realized, though, that everyone has problems to solve on their own - even the people who live with someone else. I have personal responsibility for my life, and that comes with a lot of pressures and frustrations, but it also comes with a lot of liberty and rewards.

Yesterday was heavy with the weight of the world, but I lived through it. I made it through yesterday, got out of bed today, and was rewarded with a delicious cup of coffee in the morning. Man, I had this incredible dark cup of coffee - Longbottom Portland roast - that made getting out of bed worthwhile. It was a treasure. I also had a great conversation with a student at lunch. I live for the moments where I can positively impact lives, and I got to share with this kid how incredibly grateful I am to be here as her teacher, how even though the road to get here has been tough, it's so worth it.

Tonight before I go to bed, I'll watch another show from creator Joss Whedon because there's no one here to stop me. I'll get help translating my new bills or picking up my prescriptions later this week because I'm not living alone in this world, and as hard as it is, I'll find more rewarding moments like the conversation I had today. It'll be hard, but I'll be brave and live in the world tomorrow.

Don't Miss an Opportunity

Posted by Sarah

Each week I have the amazing privilege to spend at least one evening with my awesome niece and nephews. It’s been so fun to be part of their lives – to play with them, love on them, and pray with them. They mean the world to me!

Last week I had the opportunity to instill some wisdom for the future and I pray to God that it sticks. In a surprise blast from the past Ellie decided we should play with her old school Barbie Dolls. It was so fun to experience this with them. I loved playing with Barbie’s as a kid.

After a while, Ellie went off to set up “house” and Noah and I were left at the doorway to Ellie’s room. He is seven and pretty small for his age, so the two of us fit nicely in the door frame facing each other, our crisscrossed knees comfortably overlapped and each brushing our respective Barbie’s hair – you know, just a normal Tuesday! It was at this point I felt the opportunity knocking.

I hesitated…not sure how to share what I had on my mind with a seven year old, but I had to try.

It played out like this:

Me: Hey, Noah

Noah: What

Me: Can I tell you something I want you to remember when you are older?

Noah: Okay

(I know I have his full, undivided attention at this point – the Barbie and brush laid aside)

Me: Noah, when you’re older, I want you to remember that real girls are not supposed to look like this (I point to the laid aside Barbie)

Noah: What?

Me: It’s okay Buddy, you may not understand right now, but I want you to try to remember when your older that real girls don’t look like this doll and they aren't supposed to, no matter what you see around you. Will you try to remember that?

Noah: (No hesitation) I’ll remember, Aunt Sarah!

It may not seem like a significant conversation, but I truly believe that is was. I have nothing against Barbie but I think there are so many subtle images and ways of thinking that we, as a culture, buy into as truth without conscious thought. They penetrate how we view the world and I wanted to make sure to plant a seed that it doesn't have to be the only way we view the world.

As someone who has struggled with body image and buying into the lies that culture dictates I believe about myself, I was honored to have a small part of changing that for Noah and those he will influence. It may seem a very small part but eventually those small parts can add up and change the world.

So, don’t miss the “small” opportunities that present themselves each and every day to influence the world for the better. It may come when you least expect it, even brushing a Barbie Doll’s hair with your nephew.

That's So High School

Posted by Laura

I work at a small international partial boarding school in Germany. We've got a small English speaking community here, and those of us who don't speak German have a small pool of friends to choose from. There are a couple hundred English speakers in town, but how many of you are only friends with your coworkers? I see the same people at work every day, and I have limited options of who I get to hang out with after work due to the language barrier.

Rachel's last post reminded me that I need people in my daily life, and I have a pretty amazing community of people who are passionate about education and Jesus - the things that brought us all here to this school - that are just waiting to get to know me. Well, let me rephrase that, they aren't all waiting to get to know me. Like Rachel said, I have to make an effort, and as I think about that difficult friendship making process, I think about how cliquey people can be. I teach a bunch of really cliquey students, and I work really hard to break down the social barriers among students to get them to learn with each other, but it occurred to me recently that adults don't often grow out of that cliquey behavior.

One of my favorite albums in middle school was Superchick's Last One Picked - the first track was called "High School" and ranted that "high school is like the state of the nation, some people never change after graduation." In middle school I was convinced I'd rise above the cliques and not be held back by the petty social pecking order, yet I find myself ten years later looking to find whether I can fit in with the cool teachers or not. That's so high school.

I need quality relationships in my life, but I don't need to pine after the "cool teachers" - another line in the Superchick song is if someone believes "they're too cool for you, that's so high school; and if you believe it too, that's also high school." I deal with a lot of insecurities here since I'm not the most outgoing and popular person around and don't always find myself surrounded by friends, but that doesn't mean that I'm any less popular, really. I still have plenty of friends, some of them farther away than others.

However, what Rachel's post convicted me of was that I'm not excused from making new friends just because it's hard, just because I'm insecure, or just because I already have amazing friends back in America. That's so high school - making excuses not to do the difficult work of friendship making. What's also so high school is to just seek out the cool people to be friends with.

There definitely are people who are perceived as cooler teachers than others, and I may never make it into the cool crowd, but I don't really care. One woman who's taught here for several years once talked about when she first arrived and started to hang out with the "cool teachers" and discovered she became a little more cynical and a little less like herself when she hung out with them. I did that back in high school; I hung out with the cool kids and slandered the people I once called friends just to boost my popularity. It made me sick, and I don't need to go back to that high school behavior. Because making friends takes so much effort, I don't want to waste it on the people who turn me into someone I hate. I want to work hard to make friends who make me a better person, who encourage me to be more like Jesus. I've got a couple developing friendships like that here, and I'm grateful for them. I'll keep working hard to make them grow while simultaneously holding tight to those friendships overseas which also refresh my soul.

Church: A four letter word

Posted by Rachel

One of the favorite buzzwords of our college was community (well that and context!).  It's only been after college that I have understood the power of true community and what it means for my heart and my growth.  The reason I want to spend a second and chat about it is because true community is such a rare thing especially as adults, but its something that is continuing to transform my life; not to mention all of us have alluded to it thus far, so lets take a closer look.  So what is community?  If you break it down community according to scripture is supposed to be church, but unfortunately our generation feels that that is becoming some sort of four letter word, so we have changed it to community.  Community is a growing relationship with people each of whom is focused loving God more than anything and loving people more than anything else.  I've heard it put this way, Community is a group of God's people who are on mission together. Pretty simple huh?  

When I left Portland for Denver, my community scattered and even though we remained consistently in touch I often felt lonely because I didn't have any friends who were physically present I could hang out with. This was my first experience in truly understanding the power of community in my life.  Over the next 4 years I have found many people to hang out with, relate to and enjoy life with.  Quality people did not just appear in my life, I worked hard at it, I went on many coffee dates. Some people were awesome but we were too busy or didn't gel well, so we moved on, no hard feelings and now I had one more friend in eternity to look forward to.  Other people was a mutual enjoyment and we pursued friendship. And there were still other people that hit in between these two categories.  Ultimately, it was a slow process that took time and cultivation to start blooming.  

I think often as singles one of two things happen.  Either we think relationships as adults come as naturally as they did when we were in elementary school, high school and college and so when its not a fast, easy process we give up.  Or we start out with a bunch of friends and then they all get married and we figure, "hey their in a different phase of life, why would I want to continue to be friends with them."  

Let me just say, that neither response is a great one.  Giving up just because we don't make friends quickly is a horrible response.  Are we going to give up just because we don't learn a new job in one day? Probably not, especially because we need the pay check.  So what makes us think we don't need people in our lives?  The second response is also a poor one due to the fact that people in different phases of life are going to speak truth to you as a single person in ways only they can and let me say this:

you can speak truth as a single person to people in different phases of life in ways that only you as a single person can. 

Did you hear what I said?  Please don't underestimate the power of being single and speaking into someone's life.   

Over the last 4 years, I have had many, many people come and go in my life on this road to building a community here in Denver.  Most of the time it was simple life changes that moved us away from each other.  I had a choice to either stay stagnant or move forward to meet new people.  I chose the second and now I am to a place where I am meeting and enjoying all kinds of people.  While I don't have time to hang out consistently with all of them, sometime just introducing two people seeking community who are lonely is the reason I'm here.  It's a beautiful and powerful thing.  Also just as a side note, my very best and deepest friends are still hundreds of miles away from me.  The power of written word and the internet is what keeps us bound together, but that also takes work.  

So here is my challenge, go out there and change your life through community. Maybe change someone else's life in the process.  All you have to do is say "Hi, my name is..." and maybe toward the end of the conversation "You want to go get some coffee?"  Keep it simple people and have some fun!  

Gaggle of Geese

Posted by Sarah

I was supposed to have this post written a few weeks ago but life had other ideas. Well, that’s not entirely true, the show New Girl and my lack of self-control have a little to do with it too. But, here it is! Even though my intro post is a little late, that doesn't mean I am not super excited about this blog; and by ‘super excited’ I mean super nervous about having the big scary internet know things about my life – like how I binge watch TV shows, but I guess that’s the point.

So, here is a little about me and my journey with singleness. I, like my sweet friends, love being single and also long for the day to be married. It’s a weird place to live, especially in the Christian community where singleness is typically considered a worse fate than the Bubonic Plague. Some days I agree with them but most days I wake up in the morning without thought to the fact that I am single but with a mind filled with possibilities of what the day might hold. It’s a paradox – wanting to be married but loving being single. I suppose that if I had to describe myself in one word it would be paradox. Another example: I am a loud, crazy, outgoing introvert. I love people and parties and speaking up front, but I get overwhelmed by too many people, I can only handle parties for a little while and I get super nauseous before getting up in front of people – paradox!

At this point you may be asking, “how do you survive everyday living a paradox?” Good question! Rachel, Jordyne and Laura have already alluded to it…but I will explain with three words: Gaggle of Geese. Ok, maybe I should use more than three words. Did you know that Geese are amazing animals? Not only do they mate for life but they live in flocks or gaggles. They are highly community based. They travel together and settle together. It’s a beautiful picture of doing life with friends and community. I have been so blessed to have a few extremely close friends that I share life with and I call them My Gaggle. My mom calls her group her Pack (think elephants), my roommate calls her group The Peeps (think sugary Easter marshmallow or, I guess, people!). These are people who you can call in the middle of the night, no questions asked. They know about your issues and they still love you. They may live thousands of miles away or they may be your next door neighbor but they do life with you each and every day.

That’s how I survive, not only survive, that’s how I thrive. God has given me a gaggle to do life with and it’s awesome. It’s messy, hard, painful and complicated for sure, but it’s also beautiful, fun, crazy and exciting as well. I am so excited to be able to share a small bit my life with you and I am even more excited to be able to do it with My Gaggle!

So, buckle your seat belts…here we go!

Who Wants to Die Alone?

Posted by Laura

The song "Some Nights" by Fun was my jam a few years back. I'd crank it up and belt it out in the car whenever it came on the radio or my iPod in the car - I may or may not have the song currently on repeat. I find it a beautiful challenge to find what you want to live for and live passionately in the moment without waiting for what the world tells you that you need. I read a lot into the song, probably. Regardless, it became a particularly apropos anthem when I decided to move overseas - there's a line that says, "I'm sorry to leave, Mom, but I had to go - who the      wants to die alone?"

When I signed up to be a missionary overseas, I heard a lot about how single women are over represented in the mission field, and if I was staying a missionary for long I was condemning myself to a life single and alone. I have several problems with this. First of all, they were saying I was never going to get married just because I was following God rather than finding a husband to follow. Rachel alluded to the book we've discussed writing, and our working title for a long while was "Chase God Not Guys" because we were fed up with the idea that Christian women should find themselves a nice Christian boy to support in ministry rather than serve God first and maybe find a guy along the way. I happen to be really passionate about education, and I absolutely love teaching high school students, so training and finding a fulfilling position doing that was a way better use of my time than searching for a husband the past few years.

The other, perhaps more significant, issue I had with the idea that people though I was going to die alone as a single missionary was that a guy was the only one who could fulfill the loneliness in my life. This one baffled me more than upset me because I didn't realize how unique the relationship I have with Rachel, Sarah, and Jordyne is. None of us are in any way against the idea of getting married, but we recognize that single doesn't mean alone. We are a crazy unique intimate family, and I'm able to stay on the mission field here because I have these three intelligent, witty, and loving women to keep me sane even though we are oceans apart. The four of us are spread across time zones, and yet we remain closely connected as we regularly message and Skype each other. Sure, sometimes I find myself feeling a little lonely late at night when no one will sing Rent songs with me or have super passionate discussions about the ways lessons from worlds created by Joss Whedon or J. K. Rowling impact our own world. I've got about eight people I can call up and have these important conversations with along with conversations about how I'm struggling to get my students engaged in the lessons on soteriology or how I'm frustrated with my frequent muscle spasms (a story for another paragraph). Thanks to a six to nine hour time difference, those conversations don't always happen in the moment, but I find great comfort in knowing they will happen. I do have people who are always there for me, and I'm never alone. I don't have them physically next to me constantly, but I have no fear of dying alone.

In fact, because I have these close friendships, I'm able to stay overseas away from them physically but constantly encouraged by them to thrive in my life in Germany - to thrive in my teaching, to thrive in my new friendship building, to thrive in my personal growth with Jesus, to thrive in my physical recovery from my recent paralyzing accident. Yeah, I suppose that's an unavoidable fact you should know about me - I was paralyzed in a rock climbing accident in January 2014. I was told I'd likely never walk again - more specifically that I had a 1% chance of ever walking again. I manage to walk with four footed canes about five hundred meters now, though I'm still mostly wheelchair bound. A large number of people expected me to bail on my awesome teaching job here in Germany as soon as possible and book it back to my family in the States to recover from this. I chose to stay. Sarah came to visit me in rehab in Switzerland (she'd actually booked tickets just a couple weeks before my accident), and I frequently checked in with my friends back in the States. I never felt the need to leave here because teaching here is what I'm supposed to be doing. I love my job, and my friends offered me the emotional support I needed to push through the struggle of learning life in a wheelchair and adjusting to the lack of communication between my brain and my bottom half. The people who expected me to leave Europe didn't know that I had this support system in place before I even left America. I have a wonderful community here in Germany that I'm getting to know who help me tremendously, but these friends scattered across the States continue to give me soul care that I will always desperately need - whether I'm single or not.

The chorus of "Some Nights" says, "I'm still not sure what I stand for," and that's the line I can confidently disagree with. I know what I stand for, and I know that I don't stand alone. After all, who the      wants to die alone?

Being Single is Not Second Best

Posted by Jordyne:

I’ve thought a lot about how to dive in to this. My head has been swarming with the various things I look forward to sharing here in the coming months. Rachel began by sharing the how and why she came to being a part of this blog, so I’ll do the same.

I chose to be a part of this blog because I’ve never turned down an invitation to do something exciting with these three women..with the exception of the great TP caper of 2009...but that’s a story for another time. I also wanted to be a part of this blog because though I’ve read some good things about singleness, none of it quite captured my specific viewpoint on the matter. Most of what I’ve read or listened to tends to focus on how to make the most of your time as a single person while you’re waiting, or how to embrace your singleness even if it’s not where you want to be. I haven’t really come across anyone who’s written about how they love being single...unless they are writing about it as the conclusion that they’ve come to after a long time of wrestling with their unhappiness as a single person.

I think an underlying factor that has made the 4 of us close is that none of us view our singleness as a prison sentence and none of us (thank you, Jesus) have gone “husband hunting.” So here’s my perspective: Being single isn’t something I’ve really struggled with. 

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I think marriage is a terrible idea (though I’ve thought that in the past) or that I don’t see the appeal (I do). And I’m also not saying that I never have the longing to get married. It’s just never been my biggest desire, or even my 2nd. The desire to be married will show up in my life from time to time, mostly when other people are talking about it, but it usually never stays longer than a couple of weeks. I think the longest stretch was maybe a couple of months.

I love being single.

At one point, I was so convinced that I wanted to be single my whole life that I seriously considered taking a vow of celibacy. I came across a description of a commitment of celibacy in a Common Prayer book and was so moved at the beauty of it that for weeks I dreamed about my “commitment day” like most girls dream about their wedding day. In the end, I decided against it because I wasn’t certain if God was calling me to be single my whole life, or just a good chunk of it. And there was really no need since nothing would change in my life afterward except for that it would have drawn a lot of awkward attention to myself. (Can you imagine sending out those invitations? Ha!) The place where I’ve currently landed is that I’m going to continue living life exactly as I am. I’m not looking to get married, but I won’t completely rule it out either. As with all things that God gives us in life, I hold it all open-handed. God has given me a really sweet gig in my singleness. But if he should choose to take that away and replace it with a different kind of gift, then I’m up for something new. Well meaning people say things like, “But, you’re alone! Doesn’t that bother you?” 

Here’s the thing about that: I’ve never been alone. God has extravagantly blessed me with a community of friends and family filled with love and purpose. Take the four of us, for example. I am constantly baffled by the rich, fulfilling friendship that Sarah and Rachel and Laura and I have. We get to live on mission together and are closer than even some married couples I know, even though it’s been nearly 5 years since we have all lived in the same city (5, right guys?). We often joke that God sent us to different places because the world couldn’t handle that much concentrated awesomeness in one location. (We think we’re hilarious.)

Anyways, that’s the how and why I came to be a part of this blog. I’m looking forward to seeing what comes of it.